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Les poissons ne meurent pas d'apnée
Emmanuel Robert-Espalieu
Les poissons ne meurent pas d'apnée
photo : Fabienne Rappeneau
Actes du théâtre n° 27.[ imprimer ]
In this aquatic/philosophical story, two men in a swimming pool talk about changing the world. They are two fish in a bowl who are similar in every way - except that one wears a blue cap and the other a red one. Not the same colour, therefore not the same ideas, thus strangers to one another, and therefore enemies?

What is hidden behind this strange title? A story about weird men? A weird story about fish? ‘‘It’s a play about the refusal to accept people’s differences. An ordinary topic, but which I deal with in a rather particular way. It all starts with two guys in a municipal swimming pool, a sterilized place where all social codes are done away with. One wears a red cap, the other a blue one. Red cap, the dominant species, tries to gobble up blue cap.’’ What have fish got to do with the story? Unless Beckett is hiding at the bottom of the pool… ‘‘I’ve been told that my work is somewhere between Beckett for its Godot side and Monty Python, two references that I find very flattering! My play is a metaphor about distorted behaviour, but it’s funny.’’ It has humour, timeless characters, incisive writing, and ‘‘something obsolete in the language that is totally deliberate. I like words that aren’t used anymore.’’ His fondness for Caravaggio’s The Incredulity of Saint Thomas sums up his reason for writing. ‘‘Basically, my work is about digging into the wounds we all have while leaving a window open for reflection.’’ Be sure to keep your eye on this playwright!
Jeanne Hoffstetter, Tatouvu.mag, July-September 08


Opens 16 September 2008 - 4 January 2009, Théâtre Marigny, Paris.
Director: Christophe Lidon. Cast: Tom Novembre, Roland Marchisio.

English translation by Vicky Cole.

Characters : 2 men -

RED CAP Haven’t you ever noticed how sometimes the water carries the scent of certain perfumes?
BLUE CAP I’ve never paid attention.
RED CAP Freshly scented skin perfumes the water as it glides through it. All you need is to follow behind or cross its path by pure good luck, and then …
BLUE CAP I would have never imagined that water and odours …
RED CAP It’s a privilege! A moment of intimacy with a stranger - a gift, an invitation to a shared secret …
BLUE CAP I’m an idiot! Of course I can’t smell anything!
RED CAP Oh?
BLUE CAP I wear a nose clip!
RED CAPThat’s odd …
BLUE CAP Why’s it odd?
RED CAP No one wears a nose clip these days …
BLUE CAP Really?
RED CAP It’s a question of style, fashion, aerodynamics!
BLUE CAP Aerodynamics …?
RED CAP Of course! The coefficient of penetration increases because the nose clip creates a barrier against the water. And what is the result?
BLUE CAP I don’t swim so fast.
RED CAP And you don’t smell the odours!
BLUE CAP Logical.
RED CAP (critical) But the bad smells, you smell those too, believe me!
BLUE CAP The bad smells …?
RED CAP Smells! Yes, in the water!
BLUE CAP (embarrassed) Oh…? Yes, obviously…
RED CAP Sweat!
BLUE CAP (disgusted) Ugh …!
RED CAP Feet!
BLUE CAP Yuck!
RED CAP How often do you find a pair of those under your nose?!
BLUE CAP There’s no escaping them!
RED CAP Arm pits, rotting teeth, greasy hair sticking out of a bathing cap.
BLUE CAP Now you come to mention it …
RED CAP I’ll spare you the rest!
BLUE CAP The rest …?
RED CAP (pointing to his lower abdomen) Yes, the rest! If you get what I mean!
BLUE CAP Oh! Of course! The rest! Don’t even mention it!
RED CAP If I told you what I’ve seen all these years I’ve been swimming …
BLUE CAP Please don’t bother, I can imagine only too well!
RED CAP Let me tell you, some people are animals!
BLUE CAP You’re right there!
The man in the blue cap is attracted by something in the pool.
BLUE CAP (looking towards the pool) Funny, that’s odd …
RED CAP What?
BLUE CAP That man, over there …
RED CAP Which one?
BLUE CAP (pointing) That one over there. With the big belly facing up. He’s been floating for a long time. He’s remarkably still.
RED CAP He’s dead, for sure.
BLUE CAP (horrified) You think so?
RED CAP Yes, that’s the characteristic position. It happens often - you’ll see. You get used to it.
BLUE CAP But who will deal with it?
RED CAP Don’t worry, it’s all taken care of. I’m telling you, that sort of thing often happens in swimming pools. People swim beyond their means and expend their energy without thinking, others take no precautions and expose themselves to bacteria … not to mention the brawls!
BLUE CAP Brawls!? In the pool?
The man in the red cap advances on the man in the blue cap while he speaks, who backs against the wall and collapses on the bench.
RED CAP Yes, brawls! In this very pool!
BLUE CAP (worried) Really…? But who’s fighting …?
RED CAP (advancing) Everyone is fighting. Why would you think it’s different from anywhere else?