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Ca n'arrive pas qu'aux autres
Benoît Moret et Nicolas Martinez
Ca n'arrive pas qu'aux autres
Actes du théâtre n° 87.[ imprimer ]
It all went really fast.
It was a Tuesday. At 8 p.m.
They had come to look at the house.
No one could have imagined what was about to happen.
How can the chemistry between four characters transform a mere house tour into a total nightmare?
And what if it was your bad luck to meet them too?
Experience the full uncensored version of this funny, far-fetched human interest story as if you were there.

The worthy successors of "Le Père Noël est une ordure"
"In this highly dramatic and caustic comedy, the veneer of propriety is skimmed over, revealing human nature at its most petty, disturbing and pathetic. Two couples that should never have met come face to face in an explosion of resentment, jealousy and humiliation, taking them to the point of no return.
This is not boulevard theater, it's burlesque; unrestrained satire without any limits. It's a screwball comedy, a real bombshell of humor that deserves to become a cult play.
Sandrine Blanchard's Blog, Le Monde, November 5, 2015

The French love a human-interest story
"The staging of Ça n’arrive pas qu’aux autres, like the writing, will take a "hardline" approach. You'll see everything, from the first to last of the drama, as you get inside the people's private lives, like on the show Strip-Tease. The audience will feel like it's watching things it should never have seen. Like watching strangers through a keyhole.
Our goal naturally is to laugh at the drama. As the story progresses, each character reveals his own form of madness, bringing to light aspects of their personalities they themselves would never have suspected. The comic spiral of the play drives them to a total lack of restraint on all levels.
The nightmare has to be credible from beginning to end. Even when certain situations go totally insane, the guiding principle for the staging will remain relentlessly realistic.
Let's be wholeheartedly crazy and the gamble will pay off."
Benoît Moret & Nicolas Martinez

Opened August 28, 2015 at the Café de la Gare in Paris.
Staged by the playwrights. Cast: Ariane Boumendil, Benoît Moret, Nicolas Martinez, Pascale Oudot.

Characters : 2 women - 2 men -

Everyone clinks glasses. A beat.
MR. MARTY See, it's nice to catch your breath a bit, isn't it.
MRS. MARTY You'll enjoy the country air. Do you know Normandy at all?
MRS. MORET A little. Well, we've been here on vacation in the past.
MR. MARTY The city's stressful, isn't it?
MRS. MORET Oh yeah. Tell me about it. We've really had it, haven't we darling?
MR. MORET Yeah, really.
MRS. MARTY We know, we lived there too.
MR. MORET And it just gets worse. Really, between the noise, the pollution ...
MRS. MORET You run into people, but no one really knows anyone.
MR. MORET Driving is a nightmare.
MRS. MARTY The subway's worse.
MR. MORET Well, I won't even take the subway anymore.
MRS. MARTY The people are rude.
MR. MORET You catch everyone's germs in winter.
MRS. MORET It smells and it's dirty.
MR. MARTY That's exactly right, it's filthy and it stinks ... (Suddenly emotional.) Well we're going back.
Embarrassed silence.
MRS. MORET What do you mean?
MRS. MARTY Actually, we're showing it - the house - because we're selling.
MR. MARTY (emotional) Then we're going back. That's the way it goes. What can I say? That's how it goes. That's life.
An embarrassed moment. Mr. Moret tries to save the day.
MR. MORET Well, you shouldn't go overboard either. I mean, Paris has plenty of advantages too.
They all take a sip of their drinks.
MRS. MARTY (trying to change the subject) Why don't we have our tour now!
THE MORETS Right! Let's go!
The Morets are relieved to go on the tour. They all stand up, except for Mr. Marty.
MR. MARTY You know, there are only 500 of us here in the village. 500.
MRS. MORET Ah yes, it's tiny.
MRS. MARTY (very chipper) So if you need any help ...
MR. MARTY (entering the fray) Or a stab in the back!
He's the only one who laughs.
MR. MARTY It's so convenient! Cuz let me tell you something. Whether you live in Paris or in some village, it's all the same in the end. You run into people, but no one really knows anyone. We've been here five years. Five years of running into people. In the café, at the bakery. Without really knowing anyone.
MRS. MARTY And even then! Luckily there's the grape harvest celebration.
MR. MARTY Yeah ... Lots of people come to that. Anyway, not going to the grape harvest celebration is frowned upon. So everyone goes for a drink with people they don't know. And I'll tell you what really drives me nuts about it, Mr. Moret. It's that, for all I know, there are people I have a little drink with every year, like I am with you, who are total bastards. And who are coming up on us behind our backs, you see what I mean?
Mr. Moret nods, not really knowing why.
MRS. MARTY (trying to reassure the Morets) Careful though, he's not talking about you, he doesn't even know you.
MR. MARTY That's right, you've got to be careful! I dont even know you! So how can I know! Nice? Not very nice? You don't know.
MR. and MRS. MORET Uh … Nice …
MR. MARTY But we don't know that.
MR. and MRS. MORET, and MRS. MARTY Well …
MR. MARTY (having another sip) How can you know?
The microwave makes a DING noise.
MRS. MARTY Oh! The turkey franks!
She goes into the kitchen.
MR. MARTY (imitating her) "Oh! The turkey franks, the turkey franks." She thinks the same as me but she won't say so. They call her "mousey" in the village... (Loud.) Mousey!
MRS. MARTY(offstage from the kitchen) Hey … That's enough!
MR. MARTY Mousey! (To the Morets, in a fatalistic, philosophical tone.) Seriously though, I'm just going to tell you, even though it's not really in my interest. I do want to sell this place, but at least like this there won't be any funny business, and I'll tell it like it is. This is no Eldorado here. So there it is, I've said it. There may not be as many cars as in Paris, but it stinks just as bad here. So there you have it, cuz I don't want to ...
MR. MORET Yes, yes of course.
MR. MARTY Yes but, well. I prefer it that way.
MR. MORET You're absolutely right, that way there can be no misunderstanding.
MR. MARTY No I mean people who live in the country aren't any more relaxed than they are in Paris. We're all the same. Whether we live in a village or in the city, we're the same! Whether you have a southern or a northern accent. We're all the same! (He puts on an exaggerated southern accent.) Like you. Like me. So stop pigeonholing people like that at first sight, okay Mr. Moret, because I saw you when you came in before thinking: "Jesus, who are these hayseeds!!!!!!"